What Scares You?


The scariest things are in my mind.


Erik Smith

I’m not afraid of anything. I have no phobias. None of the typical fears bother me. I have been body surfing in both the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with nary a thought for drowning, sharks, or Deep Ones. I have been a roofer. I have been skydiving. I laugh at the thought of falling, and heights are my bitch. Animals don’t bother me. I love all of God’s creatures, great and small. Except mosquitos. And people. I’m not afraid of them, I just wish they would leave me alone.

I’m not saying that I have NEVER been afraid, or that I won’t be afraid in the future. If I’m out for a walk in the woods, and I see a bear charging at me, I will piss myself faster than you can say “Hey! That guy pissed himself!” But, I don’t sit around worrying about bear attacks. There is just no point in being afraid.

On the other hand…

Maybe it’s all a front. Perhaps I’m trying to fool everyone, at the same time that I’m fooling myself. I grew up reading hard-boiled detective novels and tough guy westerns, along with a steady diet of horror, sci-fi, and fantasy. So, it is possible that this Shane/Phillip Marlowe/ John Constantine persona is just an act.

I decided that the best thing to do was to look a bit deeper; at my dreams. Maybe my subconscious has something to say. I almost never remember dreaming, so I don’t have a lot to work with, and I hope that you will bear with me.

Apparently, according to my most recent dream, I am afraid of being told that I am weird looking. Uhm…That’s like being afraid of breathing, or the sunrise. It’s just something that happens. (And I can’t even begin to explain the events that led to a young woman telling me I am weird looking, after I told her I would rather be bowling than audition for The Bachelor.)

Let’s move on.

The dream I remember before that had me using a huge public restroom, with Jamie Lee Curtis and Tom Atkins, while being attacked by someone dressed as Ghostface, on metal stilts and wielding a banana. My response to the attack? I pissed on him. Yeah, I have no idea what this means.


The last dream had me staying at a friends house, after a night of blurry adventures. I was sleeping, when a noise awakened me. I looked out the window to see my youngest sister (8 years old in the dream. 25 in real life.) and a large group of children, rioting in the streets. Again, I’m at a loss.

So, either I’m afraid of being told I’m weird looking, banana brandishing movie killers, and feral children, or…

The scariest things I can think of are the things inside my head.